


Courting Disaster

by cruisedirector, CyberMum



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Alternate Canon, F/M, Poetry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2002-02-02
Updated: 2002-02-02
Packaged: 2017-10-06 23:28:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,114
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/58898
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cruisedirector/pseuds/cruisedirector, https://archiveofourown.org/users/CyberMum/pseuds/CyberMum
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Warping the circumstances of "Someone To Watch Over Me" to reflect on Janeway's love life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Courting Disaster

There once was a Captain quite able  
Who got stuck with a rather sad label  
Instead of being bold  
She was said to be cold  
Was she frigid, or merely unable?

The Doc, a romantic at heart  
Who felt he had mastered the art  
Of courting did proffer  
A generous offer  
Of dating advice to impart.

"My captain, my friend, I beseech you,  
Techniques of holo-love let me teach you.  
By the time we are through,  
Any man you might woo  
Would streak through the warp core to reach you.

If one on the crew is your prize,  
Start with an element of surprise:  
Pretend that your fancy  
Is caught by one more chancy  
But your own true affections disguise.

Another point I'd like to stress  
Is the matter of how you should dress.  
If you veer from the norm -  
Shed the damn uniform -  
It might lead to a bit more success.

And if you'd like to make an impact  
On the man that you want to attract  
I'd suggest that you flirt,  
It surely won't hurt  
And might lead to the sexual act.

Finally, when you feel at your best  
And your skills you are ready to test,  
Please let me volunteer  
As your Doctor and peer  
Test your wiles on me as your guest."

Janeway picked her jaw up off the floor.  
"You're suggesting I dress like a whore,  
Act lewd with Chakotay,  
Make him jealous and stray,  
Then date you, my evaluator?"

"Oh Captain, you misunderstand,  
I just offered a slight helping hand  
To aid you in your quest  
I meant not to suggest  
I replace your second in command."

"I see," said the Captain, appeased.  
"With these pointers I am rather pleased."  
Then she asked with a blink  
"Do you really think  
That Chakotay might like to be teased?"

"Well, I'm told that all men are flattered  
By such flirting," the Doctor nattered.  
"But since I'm holographic,  
I don't get as much traffic  
As a human to whom someone mattered."

Janeway blinked at the Doctor's sad state,  
And promptly offered to be his date  
For the next talent night  
Where she'd heard, with delight,  
It was Chak's turn to participate.

Well the big night arrived none too soon  
And the Doc spent the whole afternoon  
Reading up on instructions  
For successful seductions  
To use in Sandrine's Saloon.

He showed up at his captain's front door  
Primed with chapters of dating lore  
And affairs of the heart  
Which he planned to impart  
If his expert advice was called for.

When he saw Kathryn Janeway's attire  
He thought he might need a re-wire  
Her gown was quite low  
He said "Captain, you know  
You'll be setting Chakotay on fire."

"Why Doctor," she purred, "may I take it  
From your expression - unless you fake it -  
That my dress meets approval  
And won't warrant removal  
Unless I decide to forsake it?"

The hologram gulped. "Captain, truly,  
Your basse couture suits you most duly,  
But be forewarned, please:  
I suspect if you tease,  
You may find men becoming unruly."

Janeway mimicked her own famous glare,  
Then gave one more pat to her coiffed hair,  
Gave her hand to the Doctor  
And let her date conduct her  
To the holodeck where all did stare.

Chakotay was standing off stage  
Rereading his words from the page.  
He had need to rehearse  
The traditional verse  
With which he hoped to engage.

When he heard the crew starting to shuffle  
And checked out the cause of the kafuffle  
He could only react  
As if he'd been smacked  
With a strangled cry he couldn't muffle.

The object of his adoration  
Who sat in the ship's centre station  
Was wearing a frock  
That had caused him such shock  
It left little to imagination.

Added to this bizarre diorama  
(As if he could take much more drama),  
Her chosen escort  
Of the medical sort  
Just deepened this terrible trauma.

"Why there you are, Mr. Chakotay,"  
Said the Doc, who started heading his way.  
But feeling volcanic,  
The XO did panic  
At the sight of approaching Janeway.

He bumped into busy Neelix  
And said, "My skit I'm going to nix.  
I can't go onstage,  
For nothing can assuage  
My ego." But the acoustics

Of the holodeck were so clear  
That all of the crew standing near  
Could hear him fall apart  
As he poured out his heart  
To the evening's M.C. volunteer:

"I only agreed to perform  
In the hope that, out of uniform,  
Kathryn watching me might  
See me in a new light  
And finally her heart I might warm.

But seeing her here with another,  
I know that my hopes I should smother.  
My love is a sham -  
She wants a hologram -  
Yet for my heart there can be no other."

Kathryn Janeway stood still in confusion,  
Glared at her holographic illusion:  
"You said I'd entice  
With your expert advice,  
Now he's come to a different conclusion."

The Doctor did not hesitate,  
He did not stop to deliberate;  
He was filled with remorse  
And he knew the best course  
Was to quickly deactivate.

Janeway stood with her hand on her hip  
Which caused her new clothing to rip,  
Which in turn made her blush  
And her suitor did rush  
To immediate championship.

He gathered her into his arms  
In order to cover her charms.  
She heaved a great sigh  
As he whispered, "Oh my...  
I haven't heard any alarms."

But just then the spotlights went on -  
On the stage, in the wings, like the dawn -  
So the whole crew did see  
The state of deshabille  
Of their protocol-preaching icon.

And when they saw her hiding her face  
In Chakotay's protective embrace,  
They were quick to applaud  
And many were awed  
At the captain's talent night showcase.

Kathryn jumped away from him quickly,  
Her skin turned a shade rather sickly.  
He said, "See - their reaction  
Approves our attraction  
We are not acting impoliticly."

The Captain gazed at her first mate  
And realized it was too late:  
She'd have to address  
This public caress  
After the applause did abate.

She faced her appreciative crew  
And said to them "Oh - if I knew  
That you had no debate  
With my choice of a mate  
I would not have had to go through

The ridiculous self denial  
That proved to be such a sore trial  
As I tried to abstain  
Again and again  
From succumbing to Chakotay's smile."

Chakotay renewed his embrace  
His heart again started to race  
His newly found bliss  
Confirmed with a kiss  
The promise of romance in space.

And so ends this poetic fable  
Janeway and Chakotay were able  
With this confrontation  
Prove her reputation  
Was merely a tragic mislabel.


End file.
